Wednesday. 6.6.07 8:38 pm
listening to: Sugarcult - Memory
mood: extremely tired
Okay. I'm going to cut this blog short because the computer restarted earlier when I was making an extremely long post ==;;.
Two weeks ago I cut my hair. In some ways, it represented my 'rebirth' because I found new courage that I never knew I was capable of having. I broke up with my boyfriend, who I gave a second chance to. I just realized that my feelings for him died a long time ago and... being with him was a strain. Regardless if I didn't want to hurt him, I had to. I told it to him face to face two days after my hair cut, and I didn't flinch. He cried but I felt my resolution standing strong.
I am happy that I gained such courage, but now my past mistake is catching up to me. Because I gave him a second chance, he believes there will be a third and he's not moving on...
I also have a new problem. I have a crush. Because of my courage, I boldly confessed to him... But yeah, he's a bit awkward around me now. This was yesterday too --;. Then today... one of my girl friends was walking with me to fifth period along with the guy I confessed to and one of my guy friends. And well, just last week I was talking to her about some things that well, revolve around that issue. I didn't want to tell her but my guy friend brings it up and oh geez, I had to tell her. I felt that if I let him tell her she'd be even more mad. She got mad, but jokingly. We're 'married' so she said I was cheating on her. And throughout the entire walk I was pleading and begging and apologizing lol. Boy was I a sight... but in any case... I felt that she was really mad at me, even though occasionally she'd smile. I felt they were fake... and even though we were acting, I thought she really wasn't.
So, my head hurts frequently now. Everytime I have something mind-boggling or an issue, my head hurts and I feel extremely tired that I want to sleep. It's like when a person's depressed and they go eat the unhappiness away... but in my case I'd rather sleep my sadness away. It feels like everyone's turning their backs on me and trying to step on me. Haha, nah... it's not that bad but I feel like I shouldn't deal with anyone anymore and just... shut up.
Thursday. 4.26.07 11:42 pm
Kind of like glass..
Tuesday. 4.17.07 3:20 am
listening to: nothing
mood: tired, feeling ill
People's emotions are so fragile. All the strong qualities that I found within my friends since middle school seem to have gradually broken down in high school into a pool of depression; myself included. The ties of relationships and the affections between people... everything can be easily broken with a spoon of wrong words and/or actions. There is also the complication of acheiving greatness in school which is slowly devouring the smiling face of so many...
What a traumatic life that we must go through.
Friday. 3.23.07 12:23 am
listening to: nothing
mood: pretty lazy
Often times I find myself not having to think about my next action and just simply allow my friends to direct me. In some kind of mixed-feeling way, they've always been there to do so. Yet, more or less, I feel like I've been slowly planning out my next action, even if it wasn't so apparent to me. Until today, that is.
The entire day I found myself pondering what to do. Normally it's a systematic process of going to class, sit around friends, chat a little, and going on with the planned lesson. Not a lot of hassle, or a lot of thinking. But because of some strange twist of fate, most of my friends went on a trip to tour the National Federal Bank, where the people there shred money. Does sound quite exciting doesn't it? Really, I thought it was fascinating. But that's besides the point. For once, I felt that dreaded loneliness that I have long since shed during middle school, or so I thought.
It really was quite intriguing. Every single friend that I usually hang out with, was on the trip. The entire time I felt as if I had kind of woke up from a dream. During 3rd period, which is English, I went to grab a sheet to enter an essay contest. It's based on a book called The Fountainhead. The story is about an architect named Howard Roark, who fights against the whole world (exaggerating here) that stands against his style of architecture, and probably his character itself. There's more depth to the book than what I just said, and it's a pretty interesting read. But anyways, part of the book analyzes the ideals of altruism and egoism. One of the prompts on the paper was targetting that specifically and it made me realize something... (This may get confusing because you have to read the book and understand Ayn Rand's concept. I actually agree with her ideals.) Aren't I what you may call a "second-hander?" I don't think for myself, and I hungrily await the commands of my friends... If they aren't there, does that mean I'm destroyed? I thought long and hard and I felt like I was becoming that. No people = no life. But by fifth period, one of my friends was hm... how should I put this... unfortunately stuck at school with me and I enjoyed talking to her, not that I usually don't. I wasn't waiting for her beckon and call, is all.
I know that there has been some change going on for me. Before, I'd have a hard time expressing myself to people I wasn't familiar with, but I find that it's a bit easier now. Not to mention I'm even doing things I didn't do before... like joining club activities involving sports... just getting involved into the community itself. In some profound way, I think I'm freeing myself from some kind of mental binding that I've created for myself years ago. But I can't say so definitely because I know I'm going to revert back to myself sometimes, haha.
But well, that's what I've been feeling like lately. A bit more tired too, but it's all good. I wonder if any of that made sense? Haha. I'm a very big weirdo, so please don't mind me going off on random things. I suppose I should get off now because I have a cause and effect essay to complete XD.
Thursday. 3.15.07 1:43 am
listening to: none
mood: really sad
I am officially sad right now. *cries* WHY OH WHY?! I should have learned my lesson the first few times... Shall I tell you my pitiful tale?
...the current computer I use right now overheats frequently. It's quite random too, sometimes ranging from 5 mins. to several hours. This causes the computer to restart itself. Soo... I knew it would restart, and it has happened before. Now what's so bad about that? Well, I was working on Adobe PS, making a new vibrant layout for HoF. I absolutely loved it. For weeks I was pining for inspiration but none came to me, until today. So, being the smart-ass I am, I saved while working, thinking that it would eliminate the problem. Unfortunately... I forgot that it will sometimes corrupt the file, and it did!!! Alas, of all the other times it worked, it had to corrupt it NOW. *Whimper*
*SIGH*. Lesson learned. Never, NEVER, trust this computer again! ... ... Yeah... I just felt like ranting. Rawr. I'll just have to wait till I have inspiration for the next layout.
Twinkle Twinkle, Change It Up!
Tuesday. 3.13.07 12:33 am
listening to: some song I forgot
Yeap, I've finally gotten a layout change. It's not that drastic, but I think it's decent :). Hope the font colors are readable XD.
Lately my head has been up in the clouds. I feel so... out there, haha. Lots of naps combined with nothing to do = laziness to the extreme. Though I'm glad that I was out with you yesterday, Tracy ^^. Tired, but heck, it was fun :). Even though it was pretty hot yesterday. The weather's changing again. I still prefer the cold weather versus this heat. Hopefully the weather won't get too hot XD.
Hmm... there's been many times recently where I just feel like laying on the floor, and just staring up at the night sky. It's like... just going off somewhere else. Time and duties have no restrictions on me. Just a feeling of solace... hehe. It's as if life isn't hard anymore. But unfortunately that's not the reality. But it's still all good :).
BTW: I should get working on HoF scanlations XD!
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